Dear Soggy Teabags,
I am writing to inform you as the leader of the Republican Soggy Teabag party that secession makes sense from an economic, political, and historical perspective.
But before I elaborate on anything else: national security. We won't have to conduct secret rendition flights all the way to Europe any longer. No, my fine soggy friends, everyone knows that Texas is bigger than France (my bumper sticker says so!). As the great candidate liability Sarah Palin said here in this sentence(?) also:
That is the whole goal here in fighting terrorism also. [what wisdom!]
Well, the real first of all: the economy. Texas has the bestest economy of all the states. So sorry Michigan doesn't have big oil or Halliburton, but Texans don't want to pay federal taxes for black people unemployment in Michigan. Can you blame them? They are hard working teabaggers like you and me. Besides, everything is bigger in Texas, and if Texas were to secede they could really grow their economy bigger than that other quasi-European place: California. That would be better for all patriotic Americans.
Let us not deny here the political ramifications of secession also here. If Texas were to secede, our fellow Republicans teabaggers would have a veritable utopia (whatever those elitist words mean). All the Mark Foleys and Larry Paiges of the world would have a place to flirt with young male pages and play bathroom footsie without the prying eyes of the outside world. At the same glorious time, gay marriage would be punishable by death penalty. Sex before marriage would be punishable by genital mutilation. Patriotic teabaggers could finally build a Great Wall of Texas, then kick out all non-white immigrants, legal and illegal. Taxes would be paid by the poorest Texans to scare them away from this teabagger paradise, and real tax rates for teabaggers would be negative so that Texatopia would pay teabaggers to live there. To make up for this budget deficit, well there's always deficit spending, or teabaggers could enlist the defense contractors to beat up Louisiana and Oklahoma for their lunch money. Teabaggers could finally, unequivocally declare Obama a foreigner (big plus).
RAPTURE I TELL YOU! RAPTURE! THE POLITICAL BENEFITS ARE VAST AND MOST LIKELY AS ENDLESS AS TAX CUTS AND WAR FUNDING!
At the very least, the very threat of secession might garner Texas a few more electoral college votes.
As far as historical, secession is part of American history. Never mind that Texas has representation with taxation. Teabaggers don't like the President now, just like the colonists didn't like the British monarchy. The storyline doesn't have to be perfect. Revolutions never are! I mean, look at how messy the last one was. Lots of teabags ended up in the ocean. The point is that just like the American colonists we teabaggers aren't happy about taxes and lost the last election aren't being represented. It is high time that secession was put on the table to meet the demands of rich white Republicans patriotic soggy teabaggers everywhere.
Yours Truly, Rich Limburger